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How To Dress For The Red Carpet

January 26th, 2016

It’s Award Show season: the Golden Globes, People’s Choice, Academy Awards, Grammys, Emmys… the list goes on, which means that it’s Red Carpet Season, with the parade of fabulous and extravagant fashion that we get to armchair quarterback from the comfort and safety of our sofas and laptops.  One of my oldest friends is a movie star.  He was my first real love, and in my late teens and twenties I harbored a notion that we would get married and live happily ever after.  Alas, that was not the case. He went on to celluloid fame and glory, and I get to text him snarky comments about his hairline from the recesses of a darkened movie theatre.904458_10201156236014280_1376135809_o

A frequent attendee of award shows, he and his co-stars fall under the scrutiny of the red carpet fashion patrol on a regular basis.  I watch these award shows and their pre-game fashion frenzy (mostly to have the satisfaction of seeing someone I know on TV) and consider how stressful it must be to get dressed when you know that a gazillion people will have the highest expectations of your sartorial output.  Then of course I let my mind wander and wonder what it would be like if I was his arm candy for the evening, and what would I choose to wear in the same situation.

Having been given a behind the scenes peek at prepping for a big time awards show, I am both relieved by, and envious of, the fashion and beauty SWAT team that production companies send to make sure that their star lives up to everyone’s expectations.  I assure you that I would take FULL advantage of the trainers, liquid diets, hair and makeup people, not to mention the spa treatments and pampering, to get you in the proper head-space before slinking into your couture outfit.

So what would I wear?  Taking a page from some outfits of leading ladies, there are certain things I would absolutely avoid:

Halle Berry’s dress is gorgeous but it looks like it would be way too much work at the gym for months in advance to pull it off.


No mermaid hems.  Keira Knightly, despite her gorgeous everything, makes me nervous that she is going to tip over if she unwinds from her pose, but the color of her gown is outstanding. I must remember this color for my next fete event…


I adore the simple elegance of Laverne Cox’s white gown, but I’d be afraid of spilling something and then spending the night trying to strategically hide the stain.

Image courtesy of Getty

Image courtesy of Getty

I would definitely avoid any dress that is going to be a movement hazard – remember Jennifer Lawrence tripping that first, then second time… This dress needs a handler just to take a decent picture, but the color is divine, even if the material and patterns are a bit excessive.


I wonder if Ms. Lawrence was over compensating for her stumbles by opting for the clean lines of this dress…


Which is fabulous in its simplicity, but I would be worried that I’d have dress envy when I saw all the fancy gowns go by.  She nailed it in this rendition, however… red is absolutely her color:

Image courtesy of Vogue

Image courtesy of Vogue

There‘s nothing basic about Beyonce’s black dress, but you have a tendency to blend in with all the tuxedos, and besides, it picks up lint…


But I suppose that’s better than being remembered primarily for the color of your dress:

Image courtesy of DailyMail

Image courtesy of DailyMail

Hillary Swank’s backless number is divine, but how are her girls supported and clearly there is no Spanx helping things out…too much work again…


Now that I think about it, I’ll leave the Red Carpet to the professionals and go back to texting from the Cinema Deluxe.  It’s a lot less stressful, and at least I get to eat the popcorn without worrying that it’s going to come back to haunt me in an internet image that lasts forever…



Copyright 2016

One Comment »

  • Wednesday, January 27, 2016 at 3:39 am
    Wally said:

    We men always wonder why women want any of these torturous dresses. Dare I say that when you mentioned popcorn at the end my first thought was of dropping a piece into Hilary Swank’s backless dress to see the reaction…

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